CauliWobbles

Humans – We are simple creatures.  On a daily basis our eyes and brains are bombarded with stimulus and information at such a rate we cannot possibly absorb.  In this instance we must be selective and choose what is REALLY Important to remember, and when we struggle to latch on to the nuance of one topic, we can apply our knowledge of one area to teach us about the other.  The 1998 Documentary “Road trip”  crescendo’d to a young scholar finally grasping the concepts of Greek Philosophy through it’s relation to professional wrestling, and we will use that same teaching method today.  So if you don’t know the historical significance of Mongolia, but you know the history of Darren Mcfadden and the 2006 Arkansas Razorbacks – this probably won’t help, but maybe it’ll explain some things. Let me learn ya:

Continents of the world according to College Football

North America: The SEC

This one is too obvious. The conference that has been on top of the CFB world as of late aligns with USA (and all of North Americas) rise to global powers after years of growth. 

The conference is obviously American as Fuck. It is typically not suuuuuuper tolerant of other conferences and outsiders which supports the isolationist growth  (And our not so inclusive beginnings) that North America enjoyed in the 18-1900’s thanks to being geographically separated from threats.

This group is for sure not the smartest but they are bigger and stronger and wear down their opponents through force. 

In the past they’ve been propelled up by Highly Religious idols (Tim Tebow), Champions of Capitalism (Cam Newton, get that bag), and highly unqualified leaders (Gene Chizik, Will Muschamp)

Even when there is expansion (Texas, Oklahoma)  it is only for nearby and worthwhile investments (Louisiana Purchase, Hawaii, Alaska). 

North America has PLENTY of transgressions (Mexican Cartels, School Shootings, Opioid crisis) that their coaches (Urban Meyer, Kirby Smart) and politicians sweep under the rug for that sweet Special interest/ESPN broadcasting money.

Fried Food is everywhere. Body Masses Indexes are through the roof

Success Built on the backs of a disproportionately high minority population who were not fairly compensated (Pre-NIL ‘Student Athletes’/you know what the fuck we did)

Areas where the rich (Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Carlos Slim Helú/ Alabama, Georgia) seem to get richer and widen the gap of wealth at the expense of the middle class (South Carolina, Tennessee, Arkansas) and the lowest class are stuck in the same systemic cycle (Poverty/Vandy 3-8 every year) 

They way overvalue and pay for frivolous things that won’t make them happy in the long run (social media likes, big houses, trucks/ NIL money, big houses and trucks for 19 year olds) 

Their leaders have both have gotten so ridiculous that you would believe any story about them to be true even if it’s a Press conference where you deny having relations with an intern in the Oval Office or a press conference where you deny that you had relations with an shark on a Charter boat. 

Continents of the world according to College Football

Europe: The Big Ten

The conference and continent of tradition, thought and history. 

Still a major player on the world stage with but it’s power has waned from their respective early Empires and early National championships they claim they’ve won from beating down peasants (England, France/Michigan, Rutgers). 

They always have world representation hanging around in the like #4-8 slots on whatever ranking system you choose (BCS/GDP) but rarely #1***

(***Unless they cheat by having their Assistant to the VP fly to another country, plant a flag their OWN flag in the soil of THAT country and then call THEIR President and tell them how they they can use the OTHER countries GDP for this week’s rankings)

They have reputable pedigrees of knowledge (The Renaissance thinkers, Plato/Northwestern, Michigan).  

Although there have been strong showings from others in the past (Italy, Spain, Portugal/ Iowa, Wisconsin, Nebraska) the landscape is largely dominated by the same traditional powers (Germany, UK, France/ Ohio St, Michigan, Penn State)

They inhabit areas with Germanic and Nordic tendencies (Denmark, Sweden/Wisconsin, Minnesota)

They are known for engineering prowess (Germany/Purdue) and drinking heavily (Ireland,Czech/Iowa,Wisconsin)

They always long for westward expansion causing them to lose a grip on their geographic identity (13 Colonies/USC, UCLA). 

Their temperatures fluctuate from Nordic (Minnesota) to Mediterranean (LA)

Their makeup is diverse from Slavic, to Anglo to greasy italian where the Big 10’s ranges from Cali Bro to Midwest Nice to greasy Italian. 

Both have a history of remaining silent while atrocities were taking place (Penn State/- OK I’m not going to explicitly compare JoePA to any other world leaders but, ya know- it’s ok to speak up sometimes)

Continents of the world according to College Football

Asia – The ACC

The continent and conference with unique history, traditions and abilities

Two places that put a high value on intelligence (Asian people are smart, duh/Duke, Virginia, Stanford, Ga Tech) sometimes to the detriment of their athletic prowess (shout out India for having a billion people and never getting on an Olympic pedestal). 

Stanford and Duke are like 70% Asian anyways

Due to expansion they like to have reach in all areas of their world (China’s Debt trap globalization strategy (no explanation required), China Real Estate purchasing strategy in California (no explanation required = Stanford/Cal expansion)

They are marked by dynasties of the past (MING, HAN/90’s FSU, 80’s Miami) but have still shown might in today’s world (China, India/ Clemson, FSU).  But questions remain if their stubborn philosophies can carry through as the uncertain future unfolds (Communism/Dabo)

Both have the majority of there population on the eastern part of the continent

Historically have allowed leaders to reign longer than they should and with total authority (Kim Jong Ill, Polpot/ Bobby Bowden, Frank Beamer)

Despite a more reserved image overall there are still places you can go to get into some scuzzy things (Thailand, Bankok/Tallahassee, Blacksburg)

They had what was believed to be the most powerful empire that ever existed (Mongols/2001 Miami Hurricanes)

One has a Wake Forest and one has a Sleep Forest (suicide forest, Japan)

They tend to get slapped on the wrist more than others for transgressions (China sanctions/Louisville strip club, SMU Death Penalty)

Large enough to be Culturally and geographically diverse yet still some obvious signs on homogenous behaviors (Bowing to greet, focus on saving face/ Lax Bros, popped collars)

South Korea doesn’t want to be associated with North Korea the same way that Virginia does not want to be associated with West Virginia

Both have a lot of Stans around them (Turministan, Afghanistan/ Cameron Crazies, Jen Sterger)

They have a RARE victory over the SEC/North American Powerhouse (Vietnam/Clemson) – And yes, I wrote this entire blog so I could compare Clemson winning a National Championship to Vietnam

Continents of the world according to College Football

Australia/New Zealand – The Pac 12

Pacific Ocean Adjacent

Pullman, Washington is essentially a lawless Outback of America anyways

Beautiful LOTR Scenery in both (Literally The Shire from LOTR, Ayers Rock/Thors Well, Crater Lake)

Geographically isolated from other countries/conferences-  just the way they loiiiiike it thank you very much!

One had their aboriginal groups displaced by expansion of thieves and scoundrel Monarchs on their land – the other had their original teams displaced (re-aligned) by expansion of thieves and scoundrel athletic directors on their conference

Never really the ones “In the War” or “In the college Football Playyoff picture”– just kind of arguing with each other about sheep while all the other countries fight it out or  a 2 loss Utah team blows it for the conference by beating USC   

Wombats and Beavers kind of look alike!

Both the Oceania countries and Washington/Oregon have fabulous wine regions

Lol there’s only fucking 2 of them!  What else do you want

Continents of the world according to College Football

The Middle East –  The Mid-American Conference (MACation)

Cradle of Civilization (Mesopotamia) and Cradle of Football (Ohio river valley)

There are literal (Middle East) and Figurative (MAcation) WARS fought every week in both

Both are in areas where it’s typically difficult for Women to find work (Steel Mills,Auto Factories/Sharia Law)

True to their names, both are in the Middle of stuff!

Both kinda beat to their own drum compared  the greater world around them and do things in their own way (Muslim,Arab Lifestyle/Football games on TUESDAYS!)

Prone to directional classifications when it comes to land marks (West bank/Western Michigan)

Both Areas contain the most Holy land in their respective areas (Mecca/Canton, OH)

Both areas prone to putting down dissenting opinions through unnecessary force(Jamal Khashoggi/Kent State Riots)

Ankara(Turkey)  and Akron (Ohio) sound pretty similar. So do Madinah (Saudi Arabia) and Medina (also,Ohio) – Spoiler:  They’re not similar at all! 

Both tend to get overlooked or ignored by the “Bigger guys” but their resources and industry are critical to get us through the week (Oil/Tuesday Night MACation)

One is made up of Safety Schools,  the other is a place where safety is cool! (and VERY Necessary)

Continents of the world according to College Football

Africa – The American Conference

Both of these places have tremendous potential, but suffer from being often in a constant state of upheaval (Military Coups/Conference realignment)  and are often the victims of larger players exploiting or stealing from them when they start to gather momentum (Timbuktu, Zanzibar/Louisville,UCF, Memphis)

They have places with tremendous history and tradition (Egypt, Morocco, Nigeria/Army,Navy)

Parts of both are in the middle of the fucking dessert (North Texas, North Africa)

Both have Pirates (East Carolina – “Look at me! I’m da Captain Now”)

Both are notorious for their members falsely claimed titles in the past (Nigerian “Prince” scams, UCF “National Champions”)

Together they represent some of the most fauna in the world: Africa with it’s  Elephants, Lions, Giraffes, Zebras – or the AAC Owls, Tigers, Owls and Roadrunners (Did you even know UTSA was in the American??)

Their season/prosperity is frequently disrupted by military intervention (losing in West Point on a Friday night/War lords and Arms Dealers)

One Has Golden Hurricanes, Mean Green and Black Knights,  The other is the ancestral land of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, “Mean” Joe Green and Black Knight (Martin Lawrence, 2001)

All the white people live in the southernmost part (South Africa/ Boca Raton)

Both have benefitted from donations from Bill Cosby ( Africa/Temple University)

Continents of the world according to College Football

South America – the Big 12

Both house areas with significant Hispanic/Latino influence (Arizona, Texas/ Pretty much everywhere in South America)

Certain areas heavily impacted by missionaries (BYU/Catholic settlement sin the 1700’s)

Neither a Bearcat nor a Chupacabra is real

Often Mountainous (Andes/Apalachia, Utah), yet also areas of high heat.  Stretches from the Atlantic to the pacific (UCF->Arizona) and are geographically dominated by the large mass in the middle of it (Texas/Brazil)

Both are known for looking the other way when someone is using substances illegally (Mike Gundy, Pablo Escobar)

Both Geographic regions have had significant periods of immigrant influx (1940’s Argentina/Brazil, Current AZ-TX Border)

They both have oil-crazed madmen –(T Boone Pickens and Hugo Chavez) as major driving forces

Despite seeming to be very different – Jonestown, Guyana and Waco, Texas sure do have something in common!

Both are Known for their superior beef (Argentina/Texas, Oklahoma)

Horned Frogs and Posion Dart Frogs

In most cases, They’d rather be playing a different sport (College Basketball/Futbol)

Continents of the world according to College Football

Antarctica – Notre Dame

Cold, Dull and on it’s own but it’s ALWAYS fucking there. 

Long standing tradition of looking and acting the same over time with a few rare exceptions when they we forced to change due to mounting modern pressures (Green Uniforms to impress recruits, melting due to global warming)

HUGE Growth/expansion in the early times of their existence (Ice age/ND titles in the 40’s)

Even when it’s doing nothing impressive all you hear about is “Ohhh the Ice Caps are melting” or “Ohhhh, we can let some big dumb 10-2 glacier into the CFB Playoffs just because it’s melting!”

Have you been to South Bend in January?

Both significantly impacted by an early 2000’s  Bush Push (Matt Leinert/GW’s policy to repeal environmental protections)

I mean they do look pretty cool though right?  And you Grandad was sort of interested in them so you rooted for them against LSU in the Sugar bowl or went to a climate change rally, whatever.

Surrounded by a seemingly lifeless hellscape (Gary, Indiana) where all you can do is take up religion (Catholicism) in hopes of survival

When the world ends – they’ll still be here, somehow

See, we’re not all so different after all.

Now you know your S-E-C, next time won’t you sing with me…..