CauliWobbles

A Haters & Lovers Football Hierarchy -NFL

Football is a fickle sport – Your enemy this week may be your best friend next.  The team you thought was going to lay down and let you rub their belly has you down 10 in the fourth quarter, on the road.  Your +15.5 Spread, your fantasy football playoffs, who your father-in-law likes-  these millions of factors drive your fandom and rooting interests.  In a vacuum though, you know how you feel about these teams.  History, geographical proximity or colors, you have STRONG feelings about them and if you throw out the noise there is a pecking order of you fandom.  This hierarchy shows your rooting interest when you don’t actually NEED your rival to score an upset against someone in your path. If all other things are equal, and these teams play you will root for one tier over the next.  These reflect the 2024-2025 season and are subject to change year over year. Here’s mine

NFL

Category #1:  MY Team

This is a team I will cheer for above all-  despite Mac Jones and Cam Newtown, there have been MANY good times.  I began my fandom with Drew Bledsoe and have not relinquished it through 6 titles.  Someone should do a case study on my father who did not grow up with “American Football” but became such a rabid fan that it is oozed into every aspect of my fandom.

Category #2 – The Lovable Losers

Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings

Buffalo Bills

Cleveland Browns

Cincinnatti Bengals

Chicago Bears

All of these teams are upper Midwest LOSERS.  Some have seen massive heartbreak, like the Vikings and Bills, and others have simply been downtrodden seemingly forever.  Cleveland is a great city that has been underrated so long it’s now probably properly rated.  Cincy and the Bears are great aesthetic who deserve better.  Barry Sanders was my favorite non-Patriot growing up and I adopted the lions as my NFC Team.  I would actively root for any of these teams as long as it was not in  conflict with he Patriots, but I still love Bills Mafia and would gladly throw on a Kiko Alonso jersey to hang out in a parking lot.

Category #3 – Classic Team, Nice Aesthetic, Patrick Mahomes: Thief of Joy

I love everything about the 49ers except San Francisco.  Norther California is beautiful but SF kind of succkkkkks.  Their colors/Unis are AWESOME and very clean.  Their style is fun and they have playmakers (Shout out my boiiiiii DEEBO) and they honestly deserve better success, but Patrick Mahomes is Brady version 1.5.  They have history and are geographically far enough from me to not be threatening

Category #4 – Better than the other option

Houston Texans

LV Raiders

Tennessee Titans

Jacksonville Jaguars

LA Chargers

Atlanta Falcons

Tampa Bay Bucs

Arizona Cardinals

New Orleans Saints

Washington Commanders

Here’s a set of teams I would probably root for over half the league simply because I don’t DISLIKE Them.  The Texans are too new to hate.  The Raiders have always been a sort of lovable, goofy cousin,  Titans I still have affinity for from their Madden 2001 squad with Eddie George and Steve McNair (RIPIP). Jags are harmless. Chargers I used to hate because I couldn’t stand Mr. Classy-  LDT but they have won me over in recent years-  unis help.  Falcons I feel bad for and would like to root more for (especially given the meanness of 28-3) unfortunately most of these people are also Georgia Bulldog fans.  Tampa Bay Bucs-  They would’ve been much higher in the past and I’m happy for Tom, but I have no reason to continue to care or support them.  Arizona Cardinals are a team I absolutely feel NOTHING For-  pure apathy.  Saints were fun in 2009 but now their fans seem whiny and their team is no longer fun-  I like the uniforms though New Orleans knows how to party. Commanders  are pretty irrelevant but I probably see them on my TV more than I care to.

Category #5 – It’s complicated

LA Rams

Seattle Seahawks

Miami Dolphins

Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas Cowboys

Green Bay Packers

3 of these 6 teams the Patriots have played, and defeated in a Superbowl.  The Rams are a team I woudn’t care too much about and the fact that we have two over them helps.  Seahawks are a team I would typically actually like and their throwback unis are great but their 12^th man schtick kind of sucks.  Dolphins would be higher but they’re in the division and Miami has been a house of Horrors. Eagles are another team I would actively root for if not for Nick Foles and his special.  Dallas and Green Bay are two national brands that I’m just sort of sick of and it’s more fun to watch their fans lose after getting their hopes up.

Category #6 – Antebellum Dislike

This is solely based on geography.  The panthers are a meaningless team that should be irrelevant enough to be higher (especially since the Pats beat them in the only meaningful game between them) but I went to school in the southeast, surrounded by Panthers fans and I have grown to dislike them tremendously, despite their uselessness.

Category #7 – A Long, Violent History

Indianapolis Colts

Pittsburgh Steelers

Denver Broncos

Baltimore Ravens

These teams were the primary roadblocks to Patriots victory over the course of my lifetime.  Manning-Brady,  Shredding the Steelers defense everytime because they never changed schemes, Mile High Horrors, and the fucking Ravens.  I actually like this version of the Ravens today so they are where they are on the list but they are probably  my #1 hatred team all time.   Of course, the Patriots typically got more than they gave to these teams but they were always around.  There’s some level of respect but I absolutely relish watching these teams lose.

Category #8 – The Goddamn Jets

AFC east “Rival”  – I’m geographically close to NY fans, even though most of them are Giants fans.  Some Wars during the Rex Ryan years but overall the Jets are just a rash on your balls that always feels uncomfortable to but you never bother to get it checked out because you know it will go away

Category #9:  18-1

Fuck the Giants, Fuck them. Winning three more superbowls after the losses to the Giants certainly let the sting go but there will ALWAYS be 18-1 which I almost didn’t recover from.  I thought 2011 was guaranteed revenge [it was not] and I am also surrounded by Giants Fans in my life who do not let this go. Fuck the giants, I hope they go on boat trips in jeans for the rest of time.

Category #10:  Patrick Mahomes Legacy vs. Tom Brady

There comes a point in your sports fandom that you cling to stupid things like the unassailable legacy of a man who does not know you or care about you but you devote your entire existence to (sad?).  For years I argued Brady over Manning, and Roethlisberger and Elway and Montana.  When it eventually became clear and unarguable that Brady was the best, we rested.  And then came Mahomes, and we began to learn what everyone else was taught over 20 years of Brady/Belichick.  Mahomes is already a top 3 QB all time and will certainly pass Peyton for the #2 spot, if he hasn’t already.  The only hill left to conquer is Brady which he would need 8 titles for, since Brady is 2-0 in playoffs/SB.  It’s a long way to go but still in play and I am not going to enjoy another 10 years of my own medicine rooting against a team that is inevitable.