CauliWobbles

The Pros and Cons of the Solar System

Mercury:
Pros: Fastest planet, Freddy Mercury, “Mercurial” Wide Recievers on field (TO, Randy Moss), Mercury Thermometers (better than digital), Mercy, Diana Taurasi (Phoenix Mercury), Merc-in’ your enemies, Mercury Cars produced before 1970

Cons: “Smallest” Planet, Mercury Poisoning (Mad Hatters), “Mercurial” Wide Recievers off field (Antonio Brown, Josh Gordan), Mercury levels in Swordfish, Mercury in Retrograde, Getting Merc’d by your enemies, Mercury Morris showing up every year to talk about the 72 Dolphins, Mercury Rising (21% on Rotten Tomatoes), Mercury cars produced after 1970

Conclusion: Mercury will Merc’ Ya! #1

Venus
Pros: Venus Di Milo, Venus Williams, “I’m your Venus, I’m your Fire (Your desire)”, Venus Flytraps, Sexy Roman Goddess, “Women are from Venus” (Good ratio), Densest Planet (Big is beautiful!), VenusSaur (Pokemon), Venus Mons, Venues,

Cons: Val Venus getting his Penis Choppy Choppied, 2 nd place planet, Densest planet (lose some weight!), Smoker – 96.5% Carbon Dioxide, VenusSore (Razorburn)

Conclusion: Venus con migo? No, Gracias #6

Earth
Pros: I Live here!, “Welcome to Earth”- Will Smith in Independence Day, Earth Day (Holiday), Ertha Kitt, watching “Planet Earth” after hitting a spliff, Mother Earth, Earthworm Jim (Cool!), Big Beartha (Howitzer, in use), Being “Down to Earth”, Journey to the center of the earth, Earthy tones, Earth. Wind and Fire, “Earth” music video by Lil’ Dicky, Going “Scorched Earth” on people

Cons: Everyone else who lives here!, After Earth (Will Smith talking to Jaden Smith), Earth Day (H-man’s Birthday), Earthworms (yuck!), Big Beartha (Howitzer, transporting), Getting “Down with Earth” (Saltburn), Journey 6 feet under Earth, Earthy Taste, Scorched Earth from forest fires, Scum of the Earth

Conclusion: Don’t talk about your Motha’ that way! #3

Mars
Pros: Marvin the Martian, Mars Brand Candies, “Life on Mars” by Bowie, “Red Planet” Nickname, Next most Livable planet, That rover that plays himself happy birthday every year, Roman god of War, “Girls go to Mars, to get Candy Bars”, the Mars Volta, Marsha Brady, James Marsden

Cons: Mars Attacks!, “Men are from Mars” (Sausage fest), Mars Bar Candy, Already Taken over by Robots, Primarily composed to Tholetic Basalt (D-Tier Basalt),

Conclusion: Mars (red) Rocks #4

Jupiter
Pros: Drinking Smirnoff Ice and listening to “Drops of Jupiter”; Jupiter Ascending (never saw it), Largest Planet, Shortest Weekdays, “All Gas, No Breaks” – NASA on the vapor surface structure of Jupiter, St. Peter actually being Jewish originally (Jew Peter), King of ALL Gods in Roman Mythology, Juniper plants,

Cons: “Boys Go to Jupiter to get more stupider”, Shortest Weekends, getting a Hairy Armpit in your face (Jew-Pitter), Geppeto as a father figure, Has rings but no one acknowledges them (Bubble title),

Conclusion: Ju-better bet on Jupiter. #2

Saturn;
Pros: 5 GOLD RINGS!, Sega Saturn, Perry Saturn (Wrestler), Sa-turn up day!, Santa-turn Day (Christmas), The single Ladies’/Reborn Christian Meme about “God Liking Saturn, so he put a ring on it”, Satire, Friday’s night turned-Sat., Sad-tearin’ to a precious memory

Cons: Saturn Cars, Perry Saturn (guy), “Sat-tern yer ass all day and didn’t do shit”, Jeff Saturday, Saturnated Fat, a Sad Turn in a movie (the dog Dies ☹ ), Sad-Tearnin’ watching Precious: a novel by Sapphire,

Conclusion: Satern’ down and told her it wasn’t that bad; #5

Uranus
Pros: “Anus Podcast”, Hot dogs (Pig Anus), Looks like you typed “Ur an Ass” into an AIM chat, Urns
(better than burials), 28 total moons

Cons: Literally a butthole, Urine on us, IRAN/US foreign policy, 18 moons he pretends aren’t his (outer
Moons)

Conclusion: UranAstronomer if you think Uranus is cool; #7

Neptune:
Pros: Honestly, Who gives a shit about Neptune?

Cons: (See “Pros” Section)

Conclusion: (See “Pros” Section) #9

Pluto:
Pros: Pluto the Dog, Plutonium, Plato (philosophy), Play-do (playing), Pluto TV for people over the age
of 55. Plaxico Buress for the giants, a big plate-o’ food

Cons: Pluto from Popeye, Planet-tease (can’t make up it’s mind), Smallest Planet, Play-do (eating),
Adventures of Pluto Nash, Plaxico Buress in da club, a big plate-o’ shit

Conclusion: Too Slow, Pluto; #8