Edited Transcript for Dog Walk Snake Draft- August 12th, 2024
(Intro)
Eddie: Alright, Bang Bang – welcome to the Dog Walk it is Snake Draft Monday- this is our 434th Snake Draft and we got a good one today. Things have been a bit slow, it’s summer and people are out of office, but I’ve had this topic circled for a while now and the topic is “States you’d most like to Fart in”
Chief: We actually mentioned this one on a Tin-foil Tuesday back in April so I’m excited for this and have my board ready to go
Eddie: That we did- OK we wanted Big Cat on for this one but he had to do a gasoline drinking contest on the Yak- I had a few back ups in mind – Chaps, Rico, Kelly Keegs, John the Mailman, Jon the trashman, John Rich, and Pope John Paul II but we couldn’t pin anyone down so we’re kicking it old school. 4 Man draft with myself, WSD, Chief and Carl
WSD: Carl- what’s hotter in Arizona, the weather or the Axe Wounds?
Carl: The weather Dave, it’s the weather. Great to be back with the boys, Ed thanks for having me
Eddie: Alright- as usual our draft selection is brought to you by Uno’s Pizza- real Chicago taste you love.
Chief: I LOVE UNO’s pizza- especially a refreshing 24”, six layer, Deep dish in summer time- I love it, my dog loves it, can’t beat it
WSD: My FAVORITE thing to do is order an UNO’s Pizza on a College football Saturday, eat half of it, use the 2nd half as a pillow that night and then finish it off while watching the Bears game on Sunday.
Eddie: You’ve got that right Dave, thank you UNO’s- So, we predetermined Draft order based on the number of times Intern Lance has had to visit the urgent care for his ulcerative colitis because he’s still not on our insurance so the order is Eddie-1, WSD-2, Chief-3, and Carl in the 4 spot.
(1st Round)
Eddie (1:1)– It’s to me, and I’m going to go with a tried a true – Illinois. You’ve got Chicago, The house Home Alone was filmed in, you can go downstate into the fields, Lincoln’s Cabin – It’s just, Illinois. I know it’s a homer pick but I know how a fart hits here and it just feels nice to rip one on home turf.
WSD (1:2): It’s a good pick, just don’t know if its 1:1 – I think there’s better options so with the 2nd pick I’m picking the garbage state of New Jersey. It’s basically a suburb of New York, which stinks, and New Jersey stinks by association. There’s too many Italians and every time I go there I wish a Chernobyl event would happen to that state so I just want to fart all over it.
Chief (1:3): It was on my board. With that, I’m taking Texas – Already has the highest methane output in the country due to cow population so there’s not a “smelt it, dealt it issue”. One of largest land areas to dissipate the smell. It was 1 of 47 states I had a first round grade on so I’m happy to get it 3rd overall
Carl (1:4): Nice pick Chief. Alright, this one is easy for me. I’m taking Wisconsin. Hate the Packers, Hate the Brewers, want to fart in their faces. Also, when we were like 10, my Dad used to drive me and my brothers up to Eau Claire, and we’d stop at a gas station on the way, pick up some big league chew and beef jerky. Then, once we got there we’d get out of the car and just FART in the town for like 20-30 minutes and turn around and come home.
Round 2:
Carl (2:1): And with the Wrap around I’m going Alaska – If you’re playing Quidditch then being a chaser is sexy, you obviously need a keeper, and seekers get all the glory but ya gotta have a beater to do the dirty work. I’m getting my beater in the 2nd round, Alaska- solid, big boy beater…… What, you guys don’t like the pick?
Chief (2:2): No, it’s a great state to fart in- you got Denali, Innuits, I just didn’t have it that high on my board. For my 2nd pick I’m going Massachusetts: You know I love the Kennedy’s – there’s a town in Massachusetts called Hy-Anus-Port; It was named after Joseph Kennedy’s 7th daughter who, supposedly- accordingly to my Great grandfather’s cousin’s neighbor – had her sphincter 11 inches higher on her back that typical adults so the Kennedy family would summer there and named it after her.
WSD (2:3): That’s a Fun fact, I did NOT know that. I’m gonna watch the Hy-Anus documentary when I get home. Ok – I’m going to go a bit outside the box here. Speaking of sphincters, this place smells like butthole, it has a bunch of low life’s, and they even call it ‘the swamp’. I’m taking Washington DC
Chief/Carl(in unison): VETO
WSD: How is that a VETO? It’s the Capital of the entire fucking country
Chief: It’s a DISTRICT, and a city, not a state- are you going to take Guam next?
Eddie: I mean, It’s a really tough one- I can see where Dave is coming from. I wasn’t going to Veto it, but you’ve already got two so, despite my full authority and control over all of the rules of these drafts, my hands are tied on this one.
WSD: That’s such bullshit but fine- I’ll take Nebraska. Corn farts make everything smell worse and that loser Will Compton played there and they lost to Northwestern in 2004, I wanna say.
Eddie(2:4): Nice recovery Dave- Nebraska off the board. I can’t believe this fell to me so I gotta take it here – California. You got LA smog, Elon Musk, it’s like HUGE. I don’t like that I’m farting so close to Adam Sandler or where they filmed Season 29 of the “The Challenge” but there are plenty of good spots to fart in throughout the state.
Round 3:
Eddie(3:1): And before we talk about my next pick we have an intermission to discuss JP Graziano’s newest sandwich- the Chevy Silverado. Jim and his team dry age a 16oz Bone-in Ribeye for 45 days, then legally marry it to a jar of Hot Giardiniera in a ceremony performed by a Ukrainian village alderman…….
(Advertisement ends 1 hour later)
Eddie: Alright, so while we were doing the Ad read, Carl had to drop for a spring training game between the Coyotes and Diamondbacks at Grand Canyon University, WSD had to go pick up his dad At the off track and Chief got a tummy ache so I’m just gonna run through the final picks that were submitted and get outta here
- Eddie: Illinois, California, Florida (always wanted to fart at Florida State), Hawaii (Furthest from mainland so smell doesn’t travel), and Missouri (I don’t know, just something about Missouri seems like a good fart state)
- WSD: New Jersey, Nebraska, Nevada (Casino’s hide you fart with air they pump in), Vermont (Fart on crunchy hippies), Mississippi (Fart on Brandon Walker)
- Chief: Texas, Massachusetts, Georgia (hate the SEC, pro Sherman’s fart March), Delaware (tax haven farts for corporations), Montana (Yellowstone Farts)
- Carl: Wisconsin, Alaska, Louisiana (Farting at Mardi Gras, can’t get blamed), Kentucky (Capital is Frank-Fart) Ehhhhh, I’ll go Oklahoma for Mr. Irrelevant (Tornados blow away the farts)
Honorable Mentions: Maine, New Hampshire, New York, New Mexico, Mexico, Connecticut, Rhode Island, The Carolinas, the Dakotas, Pennsylvania, Indiana, Maryland, Puerto Rico, Arkansas, Kansas, Idaho, Colorado, Iowa, and the Hopi Nation Reservation in Arizona
Thanks Everyone- We’ll see you tomorrow to talk about 19th century mind control devices invented by Dunkin Donuts
CauliWobbles 
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