In the year 2056, the Earth is at a crossroads. With dwindling food, resources, and strip clubs the time of reckoning is coming, and humanity must find a new planet to inhabit before the Earth itself becomes unlivable. President Bronny strikes a deal with neighboring Planet Moron Mountain in which one basketball game will dictate if the Humans can claim Moron Mountain as ‘Earth II’, or if all mankind will cease to be.Planet Moron mountain, however, has something up their sleeves…..
Seeing the stark decrease in American-born NBA superstars over the past decades has led to the heightened xenophobia across the galaxy. As such, Moron Mountain has enacted an “Alien-Only” policy for the game, thinking that Earth would be unable to field a team to compete and have to forfeit. The only path for Earth to save itself was through cunning tactics and espionage. Having no TRUE aliens at their disposal, the Earth gathered a collection of players who could effortlessly pass for aliens and enter Moron Mountain undetected to take on the Monstars. Using the latest technology, scientist restored them to their full powers for the battle ahead. These googly fucks are the last stronghold between humankind and annihilation, God speed All-Alien Gentlemen
The Starting Five
C- Victor Wembenyana:
An athletic anomaly – Wemby has all the makings of on an alien center. His ridiculous length and body allow him to replicate a Thoraxian and his Frenchness makes his speech imperceptible to aliens
PF – Kevin Garnett
The Ultimate Predator – KG’s toughness and aggression strike fear into any Monstar. While his profuse sweating makes him difficult to guard more slippery than a Garpathian
SF – Kevin Durant
Smoother than a Blanaxis’ Hair after the Salon, KD can score at will. His prolific abilities on the court matched only my his mastery of comms (Twitter/X) and will be key in the info warz waging leading up to the game
SG- Reggie Miller
Sharpshooter who can take down a proteridyle from miles away. Ears allow for flight in the lower gravity of Moron Mountain
PG- Sam Cassell
Savvy Vet who can distribute and score when needed. Most importantly, the key to getting the team through the front door as he is undetctible and the once the first alien is confirmed to be allowed in, the trap will be in motion.
BENCH:
C- Boban
“Any being that is at least 5/8th Hill Giant from Transylvania are considered an acceptable species to Enter Moron Mountain” per article G-IV of the Moron Mountain Constitution
C- Tacko Fal
Despite being 7’ 3” he can camouflage in with the backdrop of the galaxy while giving the Monstars fits over his Rim protection
PF – Charlie Villanueva
Smoother skin than a waxed Var-Varsapian, he will be considered the ‘Pretty Boy” to the Home crowd at Moron Mountain and create a much needed distraction for our boys
PF- Donyell Marshall
With Ol’ Dirty Bastard unable to suit up, Donyell gets the nod to crash the boards like a Fuqantor at a Quincenera
PF- Sheldon Williams
Jesus, you’re scaring the kids!
SF- Tim Thomas (not the Goalie)
The Black Hole – this vet comes on for quality minutes and his gravity sucks the life out of the opposition
SF- Tayshaun Prince
Spinder-ella provides a championship pedigree, elite on ball defense and the ability to contort his body in 5 million positions (Rarrrr!)
SG- Andrie Kirilenko
Thrust into a backcourt role due to lack of eligible guards and a need for height against the Monstars, AK-47 thrives in the role as he is more versatile than a Bowaja and will be rejuvenated when he uses his “once a year Hallpass” from his wife on some intergalactic strange.
SG- Scottie Pippen
Motivated to prove he can do Space Jam without MJ, An All-time great gets his chance to shine (off the Bench). Selected for the team despite concerns that he will be distracted by Larsa’s new Yondalin Boyfriend who is only 3.87M years old (Cradle Robber?!?)
PG- Chauncy Billups
Teeth like a FangDragon and a propensity to bite off a clutch moment, Mr Big shot helps drive the team’s 2nd unit
Emergency Towel Guy/Eyes on the floor: Bobby Portis
Final Score:
MONSTARS- 237
EARTH – 89
CauliWobbles 
Leave a comment