CauliWobbles

For too long has it been discussed if seven ate nine, or “six is for chicks”.  Today we scientifically determine which of the integers (0-9) reigns supreme:

No. 10- #9

Pros: Drew Brees, Ted Williams, Joe Burrow, “Playoff Rondo”, Ronaldo (Brazil), Being on Cloud 9, Three 3’s = 9,  9 Muses of Greek Mythology, District 9 (underrated), the 90’s, Nine Rings of Power, Glock 9’s, the Good part of 69’ing, September, Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony (*chef kiss*), Brooklyn Nine9, 9 (Drake album, haven’t listened to it), 9 Inch Nails (Band), 9^th Wonder of the world (Chyna)

Cons:  Drew Brees’ Birthmark, Ted Williams’ Parenting, Joe Dimaggio’s fidelity, Ronaldo’s feet- disgusting (Brazil), working 9-5, Getting a K-9 Unit called on you because your neighbor’s a Narc, 9 lives for a Cat, having a 9” Penis (ewww TOO big, AmIRight Ladies?), Mazda9 (practical, yet not very sporty), Pluto, 9^th Month of Pregnancy, disparaging the year of the US gold rush by just calling them ‘The Niners”,  9 inch Nails (hardware), 9/11

Summary:  Nine is fine, if you SUCK

No. 9- #4

Pros: Lou Gehrig, Charles Barkley, Brett Favre’s Gunslinger Mentality, Adam Vinatieri, 4 Square (game), 4^th of July, “Good 4 U”- Olivia Rodrigo,  Jessica Alba in Fantastic 4 Movies, four Elements, Toy Story 4 (haven’t seen it), 4 cups of wine at Passover, 4 Freedoms, Foreplay (the act), The world Cup every 4 years, 4 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, saying “fo’ instead of “Four”, 4 Leaf Clovers

Cons: Lou Gerhrig’s disease, Charles Barkley’s Golf Swing, Brett Favre’s 4” Penis Mentality, Deshaun Watson’s Massage Mentality, Smallest composite number, Being “Born on the 4^th of July”, People who shout “Fore!”, “Four Score and Seven Years Ago”,  (no fucking clue how long ago that is), 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse, the 4^th Dimension, Fantastic 4 Movies, the subway ride to Fordham university, Gerald Ford, Whack Roman Numeral (IV),  4^th and inches, 4 calling birds, the Winter Olympics every 4 years, 4 corners monument, Chris Webber Timeout

Summary: Need to see more from four

No. 8- #6

Pros: Bill Russell, Dr. J, Smokin’ Jay Cutler, Redeem Team Lebron, Being 6’ 6” Tall (Jordan/Kobe/Gronk/Vince Carter/Travis Kelce/Manu/Barkley/JR Smith), Having a 6” Penis, 6 infinity stones, almost sounds like sex, 6- sided dice, 6 strings on a guitar, “Inside Out” by Eve 6, 6 Step-up Movies, The Original Six, Brad Pitts six pack in fight club, The 6^th Commandment (Mean!),Seal Team 6 (WE GOT HIM)

Cons: Miami Heat Lebron, Pouty face Jay Cutler, under 6’ tall, 666, the bad part of 69’ing,  when X-pac was named Syxxx,  Isn’t Sex, smallest Perfect number, 6 feet = a fathom, I can’t Fathom taking home a fat ‘6”, sounds like sick, 6 Herbie the love bug movies, when someone spoils the ending of the 6^th sense, Mazda6 (Sporty yet nonpractical), Missing the extra Point, disparaging the year of independence of the USA by just calling them ‘The Sixers”,  Anyone besides Brad Pit with a six pack, riding the Gravitron at 6 flags, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon 

Summary: Six Sucks, but getting sixier

No. 7- #8

Pros: Kobe (Pre-Colorado), Cal Ripkin, Ovi, Antoine Walker, Regular season Lamar, Latrell Sprewell (spinning shoes), Atomic # of Oxygen, October, Vertical Infinity,  First proper “Leyland Number”, fighting in the Octagon, Octopussy (James Bond), sinking the 8-ball, Snorting an 8-ball, 8-mile (final battle rap), 8 bits in a byte, “8^th Grade” (Haven’t seen it), 8 tracks, “Sk8erboi”, OCHO, Crazy 88’s (Kill Bill vol1), 8 rhymes with great, successful 2 point conversation, Eight Wonders of the World,  8 out of 10 isn’t bad

Cons: Latrell Sprewell (choking hands), Playoff Lamar, Mark Brunell (crying because of air pressure in footballs),  John and Kate Plus 8, Contract terms for fighting in the Octagon, smallest positive, even unimodular lattice, 8 legs on a spider, Octopussy (Nadya Suleman),  Being 8’ tall (ewww TOO Tall, AmIRight Ladies?), 8-mile (residence), circumcisions held on 8^th day of a boy’s life, V8, Henry VIII

Summary: Eight, not quite great

No. 6- #0

Pros: Dame Time, Tyrese Haliburton, Robert Parrish, Gilbert Arenas w/o guns, Never Negative, coolest nicknames (Nil, Zilch, Zip, Goose Egg, Nada), 0-0 Ties in group stages of world cup, Zero Gravity, makes everyone their bitch in multiplication, 0 fucks given, separates B.C from A.D, Zero Dark 30 (Movie), ZEROZEROZERO (underrated Show),  going from zero to hero, Smashing Pumpkins/Hot Topic “Zero” T-Shirt, year 0 of life (free year), Zorro,  

Cons:  Russel Westbrook Shot selection, Relentless posts/tv footage of Jayson Tatum’s son, Wearing ‘00’ under 350lbs, Zero Dark 30 Lebron, No value, Calling it “Love” in Tennis, Zero tolerance policies,  the lame part of binary code, 0.0% Alcohol Trulys,  I can never tell if it’s a 0 or a fucking O on the robot Captcha, Lonely , Ground Zero (9/11)

Summary: Zero ain’t Nothin’- but maybe not somethin’

No. 5- #5

Pros: Johnny Bench, Joe Flacco, USC Reggie Bush, Arkansas Darren McFadden, George Brett (Poop), High Fives ,5 is a Prime, Natural AND Cardinal Number, 5 GOLD RINGS!,  Cinco De Mayo, 5 senses, 5 fingers, Iambic Pentameter, “505” by Arctic Monkeys, Mila Jojovich’s outfit in “The 5^th Element”, Mazda5 (practical, yet sporty), saying “I got 5 on it”,  5 Books of the Torah, Mambo #5, Five finger death punch (Kill Bill Vol. 2), 5 gum, Chanel #5, 5 on 5 full court pickup, Sweet Roman Numeral- V,   Pentagrams

Cons: Donovan McNabb (Puke), Teddy Bridgewater’s knee, Raiders Darren Mcfadden, Kerry Collins, 5 vs. 12 upsets in March Madness, Low Fives (too Slow ☹) 5 toes, $5 footlongs, the boy-band ‘Five’ ,Gary Oldman’s Hair in “The 5^th Element”, Five Rings in the Winter Olympics, Looks like an ‘S’ on a digital Clock, Pentagons (on 9/11)

Summary: Five lookin’ Alive

No. 4- #1

Pros: Oscar Robertson, Ozzie Smith, Pre-Injury Derrick Rose, Penny 1’s, MVP Cam, Jewish Amare Stoudemire, First Place, “There can be only one”, Uno (Card Game), One ring to rule them all, Obi-Wan Kenobi, “One Headlight” by The Wallflowers, Free Solo’ing, the 1^st of the month, First Down, “Single Ladies” after a few chardonnay’s, Juan, cool part of Binary Code,  “…Baby one more time” Video, Saying “One Love” to the Homies, NEO spelled backwards (whoa), First Dates, Drawing First Blood, Han Solo 

Cons: Post-Dogs Mike Vick, Post-Business Decision Cam, Non-Chosen Amare Stoudemire, Fat Zion, Single, Becomes every other number in multiplication (cuck), Uno (pizzeria),  One Direction,  Solo at a wedding, New Years day,  Being the first born, “First is the worst” (no hairy chest),The first cut (the deepest),  Hope Solo, The First tower going down (9/11)

Summary: One1 gets it done

No. 3- #3

Pros: Allen Iverson, Babe Ruth, D-Wade, Griffey, Notre Dame Joe Montana, 3^rd down conversion, Drug dealers named “Trey”, hitting a Triple, 3 Billboards outside Ebbing Missouri (Haven’t seen it), Threesomes (Concept), Hat Tricks, 50+ yard Field Goals, Being Born on 3^rd Base, “Third Eye Blind” by Third Eye Blind,  Illuminati Triangles,  the Holy Trinity, being a triple threat, Thrice (Word), Appetizer Trios, Toy Story 3 (Have seen it), 3D Printing, Getting “3 the Hard way”, Thomas Jefferson (President), “Three Little Birds”- Bob Marley, 3 French Hens

Cons: Playoff Chris Paul, Russell Wilson, Joey Harrington,  3-1 leads in the 2016 NBA Finals, 3-0 Leads in 2004 ALCS, 3 Muskateer bars, Trace McSorley, NBA Shot selection according to my Dad,  Bad things come in 3’s, Thrice (Band), Threesomes (execution), Godfather III, 3G Cell Service, Being 3^rd Born (Seth, brother of Cain/Abel), Strike 3, Thomas Jefferson (Slave guy),  “Three times a Lady” (Prude!), Being awake at 3AM

Summary: Gee, Three is for me!

No. 2- #7

Pros: John Elway (Player),Mickey Mantle, Barry Bonds, 2004 Madden Mike Vick, Big Ben (Not in bathroom or on Motorcycle), Cristiano Ronaldo (Shirtless, League Play) Florida Danny Wuerffel, Se7en,  Lucky Number 7, Largest Non-divisible Number, 7 samurais, the Magnificent 7, Seven Game Series, Resting on the 7^th Day, The 7^th Amendment (Fair!), 7 Seconds in Heaven, Seven Colors in a Rainbow,“Make 7up yours!” ad Campaign, , 7” Penis (Feels juuuuust right, AmIRight Ladies?!), Made Extra Point, Sven, George Costanza’s Daughter, 7 wonders of the world, 7^th Pokemon (Squirtle), Seventh Continent (Antarctica), Nuetral pH Balance

Cons: John Elway (GM),  Big Ben (in bathroom or on Motorcycle), Cristiano Ronaldo (Statue, World Cup Play), NFL Danny Wuerffel, Joe Theisman’s Leg, Seven Deadly Sins, the 7^th Commandment (Prude!), Seventh Heaven (CW Show), Andrew Jackson, Being Sick and having to drink flat 7up, Heptathlons’, Seven times bullock’s blood is sprinkled before God (Leviticus 4:6),  7th layer of hell

Summary: 7 is ALMOST Heaven

No. 1- #2

Pros: Derek, Jeter, Kawahi, Moses Malone Kyrie Irving handling perspective, Auburn Cam Newton, FSU Dieon, 2012 Johnny Football, 2Pac, John Wall’s Gross Earnings,  Godfather II (Haven’t Seen it), Getting Two for One,  The Dark Knight, Twix Bars, To/Too/Two, the Tudors, Going for 2 (when it works), being both 2 fast AND 2 furious, Two days in Vegas, “22 2’s” by Jay-Z, Having Too much, Two-way players, Silver is easier to pawn than Gold, Twice as Nice, U2’s Greatest hits Album, Dos a Cero, , $2 bills (strip club), Double Dares, the 2^nd amendment, Doubling Down, Double bubble, TWINS!, Two Queen Beds in a hotel, Two Queens in your bed in a hotel (concept), “Just the two of us”, Tubers (potatoes), 2 for Tuesday’s, two sides of a coin,  Two Towers (LOTR),

Cons: Tim Couch, Kyrie Irving World Perspective, John Wall’s Health, Aaron Brooks, Runner-up, Men in Black II, 2 political parties , 2-0 lead in Hockey, February, “Too little, Too late”, 2^nd commandment, the U2 album loaded on my iPhone in 2006, Tooth decay, ‘Tubers (YouTube), Going for 2 (when it fails), Tuesdays, Double Trouble, Double Doink, Two Towers (9/11)

Summary: It’s True, It’s True – #1 is Number TWO